Through the Eyes of a Damned Soul
by Isabel de los Muertos
Summary: Twilight! From Edwards point of view! All of the missing memories and what happened when he left and what he really is thinking when he is with Bella! Lemon for certain chapters... Read & Review!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

My hands were tight and unusually hard as I gripped the leather on the steering wheel. I was pushing the car into the hundreds. It was raining especially hard, and I was in a very good mood; however, tense. Today just had a feel, a feel that everything that could possibly go wrong, would. I pulled into the school, realizing I hadnt paid one single bit of attention to the rest of my family. Alice was looking at me, half smirking, half smug. She knew something, I thought. But then she frowned and looked at me with wanting eyes. I chuckled to myself. "Maybe not," I said aloud. I pushed myself into her head, reading what she was causing her to be so stuck. It was a jumbled mess - as I expected.

"Alice, maybe you're losing your touch..." I jokingly said.

"Get out of my head. I'm doing fine, thank you." She replied.

I went to open the door when a sharp, bittersweet smell hit me.

And oh, it hit hard.

I froze, my eyes, still a light topaz from the last hunt, went pitch black almost instantly.

I guess I was still in Alice's mind because she froze, too.

"What, Edward? I thought you weren't such a push-over." Emmett playfully mused.

I growled in response. I was back in the car with it started and pulling out when Alice stopped me.

"I haven't seen anything. I think you're safe."

"WHAT IS THAT!" I yelled back.

"I don't know. I don't smell anything new... Just the same old people wearing the same old scents..."

"NO!" I growled.

I couldn't take this all day. God! What was this? I couldn't take it. It took every bit of effort to draw in my instincts. I wanted to kill and kill and kill until I found that smell... I wanted... I wanted to keep it safe? I was so confused. I was falling apart and I couldn't place my finger on why. I heard what sounded like a mountain falling as a huge truck plunked its way into a spot. Then, the smell covered me. She opened her door... And slowly stepped out. It was no graceful movement. It was almost disgusting in nature, yet simple and relaxing at the same time. I leaped up, preparing to take off after her, when I just stopped. I watched this girl... Clumsily walk towards the building, when I realized, I was late for class.

No matter. I could easily get around whatever rule I needed to. Sometimes it was too easy.

My head was spinning and I hated it. I hated her. I wanted her dead. But alive.

I wanted it gone. Who was she anyway to take ME over. Edward Cullen? Did she even know who I was? Oh... She would. No human gets away with that.

I'm pretty sure my eyes didn't lighten up for the rest of the day. I kept myself pushing at everyone's thoughts. I wanted to know more about this, "Bella" or whatever it's name was.

She was making me sick.

I had barely gotten by for most of the day.

Lunch was the worst.

I guess my mood was rubbing off on everyone, because none were speaking.

We sat there in silence while I sulked. Rosalie was furious.

I don't even know why. She just was.

I caught _her_ looking at me. I glared at her.

I didn't mean for it to come out so angry, but if looks could kill, I'm sure she just died.

Alice was the first to speak.

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

She scoffed. "As if Edward. I know I'm good, but not that good."

"I was just toying with the idea..."

"Fine. Run off. Go have fun. Go 'toy.' "

I growled at her. I could see that today was going nowhere. I sighed.

If only I had known the day would only get worse.

I can usually stand the smell of humans. Sometimes it is a little hard, I'll admit. But nothing I haven't been able to handle. She, oh god. She was everywhere. She was in the halls and even rubbing onto other people. I had to kill her. Either she or I had to die and I really was not all that sure how to kill myself, so... My options were limited. She was so fragile... It would only take a second and then... Then a new feeling swept me. I hated myself for thinking that. Thinking that only made matters worse and I cringed. I was barely paying attention when suddenly the smell was unbearable. I looked over, from the slightest corner of my eye.

What I saw, scared me to death.

There she was. Clumsy and stupid and totally human.

Sitting right next to me.

Almost content.

Not even knowing... That I was a vampire. That I could kill her instantly.

And desperately wanted to.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: All of Stephenie Meyer's beautiful world..._

Chapter II

There she sat. She looked more confused than frightened. I'm sure she is wondering why I am acting this way. I am wondering as well. As I blankly stare at her, I replay all the thoughts I received from the sickly hopeful peers. Each one of them is hopelessly wanting. It makes me sick... and jealous. I hate the polarity of my emotions. I was toying with the idea of whose thoughts had been my favorite... Eric was the first to come in to play. He is too over-helpful. "I'm going to building four, let me show you six..." And really, is sarcasm that hard? She didn't even look albino. Seriously, these Forks boys need to get some brains. I sighed. A century over them, I guess would be a little unfair... "Snap out of it!" I growled to myself. I slid as far as I could from her, table allowing and all. It took everything in me to keep from breaking that desk. I saw her steal a glance, and as she did I am sure she saw how white my knuckles were. Her eyes widened. Stupid humans. Her pretty face... Stupid me.

But suddenly, she jerked a little. I wasn't quite sure why though. It seemed involuntary. But because of this motion, her hair fell over her face and for a moment it seemed like a trick. Like maybe she was creating a veil in which to steal glances at me without me noticing. Stupid humans... Stupid, stupid pretty girl. Once even, when she looked up at me, I was looking at her. I really didn't mean to, but where was my choice? She was the one who was so tempting. So deliciously sweet... Yet, as soon as she noticed me looking back at her, she flinched in this awful way and looked back down. Even for a human that was fast. I knew I was only going to scare her away. I knew it...

Soon the bell rang and I hurried to leave. I couldn't be alone with her. Not yet... It would all be too easy. Even in class, I could massacre them all and walk away from the damage, no questions asked. The whole school even. And one girl, she, a simple human girl, stopped me.

She was lucky though. Carlisle has raised me on his diet, and I very willingly stuck to it. I didn't much like the idea of humans being disposable. Just because they were humans, lucky, with their lives being so short and small. And where was I to be placed? I was forever damned with no soul to give up or have forgiven for the next life... What ever that was.

I closed my eyes. I wasn't sure why, but I guess it had something to do with all the lack of clarity I had today. God Bella, leave me alone! And what was this? Me not being able to tap into her? Could she block me? She was only human. There was no way. Simply no way... Just then, Mike popped up on my mind. He was definitely not one of my favorite Forks residents. Sure, the outdoor store helped out with our disguise a little, and his family was nice enough to Carlisle and the rest of us. But still... Not a favorite. He was talking to Bella, still in the biology room...

[_Stephenie Meyer, Twilight: pg. 25 - 27_

"_Aren't you Isabella Swan?"_

Really, Mike. And what is our rate of new students per year?

"_Bella," She corrected him, with a smile._

She SMILED at him? Ugh. Really? Mike?

I sighed. People were so stupid sometimes.

"_I'm Mike."_

"_Hi, Mike."_

"_Do you need any help finding your next class?"_

"_I'm headed to the gym, actually. I think I can find it."_

"I'm Mike!" "Hi Mike!" I mocked sourly.

If she ends up with him. I might as well wipe myself off the face of the Earth.

And besides... What do they see in her? She is tearing me apart. Is that why every one wants a piece? Just so they can destroy me? No, I am being paranoid. They don't know me or my family's secret... I am just letting her get at me again. Their conversation has kind of been droning in my head until he said something that made me laugh a little.

"_So, did you stab Edward Cullen with a Pencil or what? I've never seen him act like that."_

I laughed heartily to myself. If only she knew... I played with these thoughts while I waited for the end of the day. I had to end this, at least a little. Maybe if I separated myself from her, I could. I would talk to the office administration. It was amazing what I could get them to do.

Finally the bell rang, and I walked casually to the office. It was warmer, I could feel it. But it didn't bother me much. I politely asked the receptionist if maybe she could, find a way, to possibly, get me another time for Biology. She tried, and I could see the want for it, but she simply said there was no other time. I was arguing with her, and I'm sure with only a few more minutes I could have been victorious when she walked in. I could smell her as if someone drained all of her blood and poured it on me. She was so tasty... I want her, I want to drink her and kiss her and eat her whole... I have to get out of here. Someone came in, and I turned and glared at this Bella. I hate what she is doing to me. She has to go.

"Never mind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help."

I left. I don't know where I am going, or what I am going to do there, but I am leaving.

Goodbye, Bella Swan.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer, I own nothing._

Chapter 3

I got into my car and Alice is already glaring at me. I know I am usually hard to put up with, but Alice hates our family being separated. In fact, everyone does. Rosalie is the first to speak. Even this doesn't surprise me.

She leans forward and whispers softly in my ear:

"If you run away over this, I will never, EVER forgive you. You hear me? You chase after her, and I will never forgive you. And dear God you better not once let it cross your mind to change her. So help me, Edward. It will be over."

The anger in her voice amuses me. I know the whole 'human-to-vampire' subject is still sensitive. Especially when there is a choice.

"Alice, dear," I say softly and sweetly.

She is pouting. She crosses her arms and turns away from me.

"Alice, love, I-"

"I've already told Carlisle. He isn't happy."

I groaned.

"Alice, I-"

"I _know_. I know you wanted to tell him but honestly. Is _she _worth all of this? Really, Edward. Can't you just deal with it? I mean _really_."

"I just need to think."

"Ugh. Whatever. Having this conversation with you is pointless. I know where its going."

"Alice. Shut-up. You aren't making this easy."

"Oh, and **YOU** are? Really? Do you think this is _easy_ on all of us? You seem to be the only one who is getting to take the easy route."

Emmett speaks up.

"Edward," he says in that 'stern-but-I-love-you' tone.

"I really think you should reconsider. I mean, stay at home. Something other than that. Try to work it out. At least then maybe we can help, and if it still that bad, well, leave. We won't be able to stop you."

I sighed. Alice loosened up. A small smile slid on her face as she realized a small victory. I was playing with the ideas a little, seeing which I preferred.

"That's RIDICULOUS!" Alice shouted.

"What?" Emmett asked.

I sighed again. There was no getting from her.

I answered. "I will stay home for two days, and then I am gone."

"What?!" Emmett questioned.

"Emmett... You just don't understand. Its so strong... Its... it is just like being new again. But worse. It is only _one_, and _**she **_is controlling me. She is killing me."

Alice sighed. This much she knew. She could feel it.

Rosalie pouted in the back. Even though she had Emmett, I knew she was jealous.

I started the car and pulled quickly out of the space. I knew Carlisle would be waiting for me.

As I step onto the porch, I realized I am not ready for this. I have never had any feelings for anyone - ever. This is new, and it is really hard dealing with it, and I realize just how confusing it is. Night after night, hearing each of them, and feeling each of them. Even hearing the things they thought about each other or said. I could never imagine it. And even now, I really wanted her more dead than anything. It would be so simple...

Everyone was already inside, except me. I sat in the car for a long time thinking about everything. What would Carlisle think? And Esme? I can not do this to them... But I could not, for the death of me, think of a reason not to.

"Edward," Carlisle's soft voice called from the living room.

He was sitting alone on the couch. I knew he would want to talk to me by myself first, and then with Esme, and then with the other children.

"Hello, Carlisle."

"So, I have heard you plan on leaving?"

"Don't say it like that, but-"

"Is this not you plan?" I knew he wasn't being cruel, just concerned.

"Yes... It is." I hung my head.

"Edward, my son, come sit next to me."

I go and sit down. This conversation is going to be so hard... I was his _first_.

"Edward, you know you are my first. I feel like, if any, you are truly my child. And I know that, well, technically, you are way beyond the age where I can tell you what you can and cannot do. And besides," He hugged me, smiling. "You _are_ a vampire. You can pretty much handle anything." I smiled back. Maybe this wouldn't be _so _hard. "But that doesn't make everything easy. So, I was thinking since you are so stuck on leaving, that maybe it would be best to just leave now. I can explain it to Esme and the others. I know you will be back, right?"

I nodded back at him.

"I'm glad. Now, there is a family, in Alaska, that shares the same diet as we do, and they are good people. You will be safe there, and away from the situation. Clear things out in your head, and everything will work out. I believe in you Edward, and I love you. Please, be careful, and come home soon."

I nodded. It was hurting to leave everyone so fast, but Carlisle was right. It is better this way.

I got up from the couch, walking to the door. I turned and looked at Carlisle.

"Thank you," I whispered.

And I ran away from the house.

I would be crying, if I could.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Not mine, all of Stephenie Meyer's wonderful world._

.--..--.Sorry guys for it taking so long. I've been really busy... I'm sure you all understand that! Also guys, totally appreciate the reviews! Keep 'em coming! I would LOVE to hear from you, so just let me know what you like or don't or.. Is really ambiguous! :) .--..--.

Chapter IV

I'm not paying attention as I run. "_I am not ready to leave yet_." I keep thinking. I just can not do this. I am running out into the woods to just think.

_Think and run._

_Think and run._

_Think and run._

_Thin and run._

_Think and Bell-_

_RUN DAMNIT!_

I stop. I am standing completely still when I realize, I'm not breathing. I sigh. This is all going wrong. First, there is my family. I admired how Carlisle understood so well. But... I... Well, I didn't. It was all so confusing. I wanted her dead, but I couldn't do it. Even just the thought destroyed me. But I couldn't stay near her. I couldn't. Her smell... God, it was still so strong... Like she was here. As if someone bottled her and spilled it all over my face, and it was so intoxicating... Like someone injected her straight into my veins. She's all I see. I really can't think what I really want to do. I just... I know I have to leave. It's inevitable. But, I just... If I can't see my family, I want to see her. Maybe... Maybe I can kill her. Maybe I can...

I look up and it, it's twilight. I nod my head to the dusk, and start running again. This time faster, with more meaning. The wind that is rushing past me is a little colder. I am grinning. This will all be too easy. Carlisle will be disappointed, but in the end, this is so much better. I can make it look like she ran away...

Before I really realize it, I am at her house. By now, it is completely dark. I look at the house, "_so simple."_

_Now, Miss Swan, where do you sleep? C'mon officer. Tell me._

I start listening.

_So, you're going to bed? _I listen for more... _Top floor, second bedroom..._

I slip in through the top window. God, this is so easy it isn't even any fun.

Her room is dark, and it almost surprises me, because she _is_ really just there. And the smell... It's overpowering me. I stop breathing again, but I can still feel it enter my veins. She shifts a little.

It is making me nervous. I look at her. She's beautiful. Angelic almost. She's playing music. _Good girl._

I take a step forward. I am here, I can't back out now. I lick one of my fangs and close my eyes and then open them again.. I take more steps forward until I am standing directly over me. I look at her back and bend down closer to it. I start running my fingers down her spine; not quite touching, but... Close enough. My whole body is shaking. I think I am dying. Well, it's now or never. I close my eyes once more, leaning in on her neck. I'm almost there. God this is taking so long. I swear I'd be sweating by now. I'm right there. Oh God! Kill me! I squint, preparing. I've never done anything like this.

And then she whispers. Something soft. Light. It might have even been about the weather. Maybe even a murmur. I don't know. But I collapse. I hit her floor. Its so loud. I know she _has_ to be awake now. She rolls over so violently. My eyes widen and I slip under her bed. Im invisible and quiet. _So _quiet. Wait. Wait. Don't breath. Don't breath. Oh God. Oh God. She sits up. Oh crap, I'm screwed. I don't even know why I'm thinking this. I know I could get out of it. And it would be a lot of fun to see her reaction... I smirk. I am halfway tempted to stand up and introduce myself...

"Stupid weather. I hate it here."

She lays down.

"Ugh. A person can't sleep out here with that stupid rain and stupid thunder."

I hear more violent moving and smile.

Wow, this _**was**_ too easy. I smile and stand up. I walk to the window, looking back at her. I blow her a kiss. _Have fun Bella._

"_Goodbye" _is what I say. Even though I know I mean _"I'll miss you."_


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: Raise up! Stephenie Meyer!_

Hey guys I am so sorry for the mess up on Chapter IV. But just know that it is fully uploaded and is ready for reading. So I hope you enjoy my further chapters. But if you don't mind I would really love a little input. Please_ READ & REVIEW_

Chapter V

I jump from her window and it makes another smile crawl across my face. I bet she's cursing by now. I walk for a little while, just taking in everything. I won't be gone long, and the break might even be fun. Besides, Tanya is a good friend of Carlisle. I'm sure this will all work out. I stop, and sigh once. And the running starts again. This time I'm heading home to get my Volvo and then, on my way to Alaska.

For the first time today, I direct my mind to my families thoughts. Esme is sad, of course and so is Carlisle. And Alice... Alice. She knows. She knows I'm still here. She knows I won't be gone long. I can't. Even now, I want to be back in her room... Smelling her... Near her...

I am already at my house. I pull my keys out of my pocket and walk to my car. Rosalie appears from the darkness.

"You love her."

"Rosalie, don't."

"You shut up."

"Shut up Rosalie! Go away!"

"You don't even KNOW HER!"

"Rosalie, just... Just stop it. Just shut up. You're just mad because it isn't you."

"Whatever. I hope you don't come back. And I hope that stupid, little girl dies."

I glare at her. Through the darkness, I feel her do the same. I get in my car and drive away as fast as I can.

Part of me was hoping I wouldn't make it through customs. Part of me was hoping I could just, maybe, for once, be normal. You know, just. Human. But, just upon arriving, everything went smooth. It was almost sunrise. On the drive over, I used a map Carlisle had given me once, before, when he had really started the family. He was so afraid of something bad happening, and the map was composed of several back roads that I'm sure no human (or even anyone else but Carlisle, with the exception of the Voltorri) had seen. It got me there a lot faster than taking main roads would have. One whole day, and I made it all the way to Canada.

"Business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure, sir."

He was a gruff-looking man. His face had a five-o'-clock shadow and his hair was unkempt. He also had on a rather large coat, which seemed to be doing more work than needed for his face was a bright red as if it were just close to being over heated..

He yawned.It must have been close to shift change.

He checked my passport casually and yawned again. He gave me a soft salute.

"Go ahead."

I started driving off.

"And! Have fun!"

I checked in my rear-view window. His eyes followed me for as long as they could. I sighed. This would be far from fun.

I was trying to be optimistic when I decided to turn off on_ one _of the roads on Carlisle's map. On it, he had elegantly written _'feeding.' _If I do it now, it will be less I have to worry about later. I will be able to just think. As I pulled off one of the turn offs on the road, I saw a sign warning for moose and large bear.

_Oh, Emmett will be SO jealous! _I thought casually.

I smirked and got out of my car. I shrugged. I had to spend my day somehow...


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer and her wonderful world._

VI

"Hunting"

I felt my eyes go black and I lunged to the dark, dense forest. I leapt back and forth while keeping the same amazing speed as before. From a guy's point-of-view, it was GREAT to be a vampire. I kept running even though I was catching scents left and right. I knew what they were. Rabbits, deer, other smaller animals... Even a few humans. But I wanted something bigger. Something that would take my time up, be a worthy meal. If I had my way, I would really like to get a mountain lion... I made a mental note to get one before I left, no matter what.

Just then, I came upon a lake. More of a watering hole, if you ask me. And there they were. Not one. Not two. Not even three. But six moose. Four male, two female. The two female looked as if they were judging the men. And the men, were fighting.

I slowed down, and just watched for a moment. There I stood, just spectating their show.

And then I attacked.

I lunged forward grabbing a male by his horns. He bellowed and tried to shake me off. I threw him to the ground and broke his neck. I bit deep into the area around his shoulders, feeling the venom sink into him. Through this small view, I could see the other moose running off into the woods. It was peculiar though, a few, once in the safety of the trees, stood and watched. I bit deeper, throwing all of my weight into the dead moose. The muscles that were tensed in his body from the initial attack, released and his body went limp. The remaining audience left. It was interesting. They weren't afraid of me. At all. I sighed as I finished drinking. Just when I was pulling off of his throat, I could have sworn I heard Bella. Just faintly. In the breeze. A calm rushed over me and I couldn't help but smile. And then it was gone. Just like that. I swear, when it was gone, the little bit of a heart I had left, sank.

I carried the body away and concealed it so it could decay in privacy. Nothing like giving back I thought I may come back to burn it later.

I took off running again. Once more, the adrenaline rushing through my veins, and since I had just fed, I felt so much better. I ran twice as fast and caught up quickly. I could hear the panic in their snorts. It made me wonder if they remembered me.

I quickly grabbed another male and took him down. This time, I more of played. I was in no real hurry... But I didn't let it drag on too long. I didn't want to torture the poor beast. I bit his hindquarters, taking him down. Then I came up and bit hard down into his neck. There was a soft crunch as my strength crushed his collar bone. He moaned loudly and the few moose who were still around panicked.

One of the males attacked at me. In one quick motion I snapped the bitten moose's neck and lunged for the other one attacking. I didn't want to kill anymore so I just knocked him back. I jumped into a fighting stance, bragging my alpha male qualities. He reared and grunted, running at me again. I hit him, knocking him farther back than before. He moaned and got up very ungracefully. I snarled and he moaned back. He snuffed, walking away just a little bit, but keeping me in sight.

I walked back to my kill and drank him. As I wiped my face, I heard the same sweet sound, and just from the memory, all of her scent came rushing over me. I was dazzled by it. And I paused, breathing in the air. A calm and relaxation fell over me. It was almost seductive. It took me over, all of my senses at once, and almost called me home. I sighed, in this moment of pure bliss...

I almost didn't notice the moose lunging at me again, except for this time, it was a different one. The ego-shot one was still manning guard at his post.

I swerved just a moment before the moose passed. He spun around and slid. When he stopped, he scraped his hoof against the ground and snarled. I roared at him and he came running back. Seconds before we hit, I glanced over to the trees and for a second, I saw Bella standing there. And with this new wave of emotion, I hit him harder than I should have. He screamed with pain and went flying to the ground. He slid a little, moaning. I shuddered and walked towards him. His eyes were wide with fear and pain and he tried desperately to get away from me. I pulled him closer a little and examined him. His front two legs were broken, as well as his left rib cage. As for his collarbone, it was shattered. It seems that the right side of his face had also cracked from the impact of his fall. I sighed. I hated doing this sometimes. I leaned down and broke his neck. There was no use in waiting for a mountain lion to show up, And I had too much to think about to track one down. I was never really good at that anyway. Besides, what would happen if I saw _her_ again? I shuddered. This was too hard. This was meant for me to get over her. To get away. I didn't understand this.

I leaned down and bit him, drinking all of him as well. As much as I had fed today, I should be good for a very, very long time.

When I rose, I looked down at the animal. His eyes were still open, but not so much afraid. More thankful. I could only imagine what kind of pain I had put him through just now.

I carried the two bodies back to where the first one was concealed. I made a fire and ripped pieces of the moose off so that they would burn faster and more efficiently. The smell was terrible, but I wasn't able to focus on it for long.

She soon came creeping into my thoughts again. Slowly, like a sickness. Her face was all I could see and it was maddening. And what was worse was I could smell her just as strong as if she were sitting right next to me. I breathed in deeply. It was the best thing I had ever _tasted. _If scents could be edible, that is.

By the time I had regained consciousness, it was nightfall. I had barely realized that the time had slipped away. Still, nothing was resolved in my head.

I stood up slowly and stretched. The fire had long since been out. I looked at it for a very long time before I walked away.

I walked all the way back to my car, taking my time. I had nothing else to do except see Tanya. I knew this whole trip was turning out futile. But my stubbornness wouldn't let me return home just yet.

Besides, if I _did_ talk to her, if I _did_ try to make this work, it wouldn't. Plain and simple. There was no way I would change her, there was NO WAY she could accept me. Or believe me... And besides, I had centuries of secrets to hide. And, if miraculously everything worked, she would never want me. Never.

Especially after I had been such a total ass to her.

I sighed.

I was already crossing the Canada-Alaska border.

Tanya was only an hour away, and that was at human speed.


End file.
